Monday 28th June 2010

I’m swaddled in mosquito netting. The 14 bites on one leg are enough to vouch that I am a tasty human being. My blood must be to them like ketchup is to kids.

The kids.

Day one of camp is over, it’s 10:26pm and I am absolutely bloody knackered. It has been none stop ‘what are we doing next’, ‘I’m bored’, ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I feel sick’. I’ve lugged bags into cabins, spooned food onto plates, pretended to be a grandpa shark, been imitated by about 12 girls at once and high-fived until my hands were sore but you know what? I’ve bloody loved it.

The day started early it wasn’t long until I was ‘chirpy Chelsea’, welcoming in the girls of Monroe to their humble abode. Emma and I got the older girls which I thought was a godsend until I realised today that they are so much harder to motivate- if one wants to sit out, they’ll all want to sit out. There were so many times today when I was prancing about singing ‘Peel banana, peel peel banana’ and I looked about to see my table slumped all over the place. In fact, there were several times where I thought ‘where the bloody hell are you getting this energy from Chelsea, you mad cow. You’ve had 5 hours sleep; no PG tips and you’re punching the air like you’re Rambo on acid’.

PG TIPS.

Karen has put aside some PG tips for me tomorrow and a big mug because she knows I’m hampering for it. I think I love her.

I’m being called by the sweet enticement of sleep but before I indulge in my netty boudoir, I shall summarise my 3 top moments today.

1. Kids say the funniest things

Things overheard today include ‘break it down girlfriend’ (said by small boy to older girl), ‘my armpits smell like relish’ (which unfortunately concluded in a girl shoving her armpit in my face and I can verify that they did indeed smell like relish) and in answer to ‘what should we not do at the campfire?’ I heard ‘punch the fire’. Yes, small children. Please refrain from punching the fire.

2. Chel rhymes with smell

This evening we had a ‘fun open fire’ at 7:20pm where every cabin had to get up and perform a skit. However, the fun did not end there as the counsellors were also asked to prepare a little summin’ summin’ to show to the campers. As I sat about my cabin this morning I started wailing ‘but I haaaaave no talentttttt’. However, my smart little campers said ‘Why don’t you hula hoop and we’ll make a poem up about you that you have to do at the same time?’ Ace.

So, 20 minutes of giggling in a corner later and they hand me a poem. Now, as I said, I’ve put my all into it today. I mean, I pretended to be a bloody kayote at one point for gods sake, and you know what the poem was about? Well, I’ll tell you how it started:

Hi there, my name is Chel

You may not know me well

But I’m about to tell

You how I really smell

I think you get the gist. So yes, this evening I got up in front of 60 campers and all my counsellors that I’d like to think I’ve earned the respect of and recited a poem including lines such as ‘when I was 2, I fell in poo’ and ‘when I was 13, I smelt like dead spleen’ whilst waggling my arse about in a dainty green hoop.

I’ve just posted a bulletin in the local newspaper here. It reads:

MISSING: CHELSEA DICKENSON’S SHAME.

3. Silence is golden

My last and most precious moment of the day would have to be right now. I just had the most beautiful shower (I was starting to fear that my poem was verging on the truth a little too much for my liking) and the girls are just starting to make those snoozing sounds that mean you’re in a deep slumber.

Oh sleep, glorious sleep. I nuzzle into thine bobbly blanket and I say to thee, let me not perish no more in your whimsical creeks and let me get some bloody shuteye, you massive precarious munter.