Don’t you love those times when you laugh so hard that you can’t breathe, tears are spluttering down your cheeks and you clutch your side as a furious tickle seizes your body? Well imagine being riddled with that whilst you’re supposed to be getting 9 young girls to be silent. There Shamia (my new co-counsellor) and I were, our shoulders jiggling up and down whilst we plastered shaking fingers against our mouths and through our howling called ‘sh-sh-sh-shhh gi-girlsssss, got to be qui-ahhahaha-ett’. To make it worse, we were laughing at one of those times that not even the greatest raconteur could emulate and display it’s farcical nature. But hush, hush, yes I’ll give it a bash. I know you’re itching to know so I’ll just try and replicate it as best as I can.
We were laughing at the smallest, cutest boy on camp getting enthusiastically high fived by one of our girls after a performance. The boy behind him sees this hero worship and the excitement dazzles in his eyes, his hand outstretches in eager anticipation, itching to collide hands with the girl and receive his commendation. He gets closer, the girls hand lies extended, beckoning him to come closer and as he brings his hand down with a mighty force, the girl swiftly turns away taking her hand with her, leaving the boy to pelt past her and slap the air with shame.
See, I told you it wasn’t funny. But in that moment, in that quick fleeting wonderfully hilarious moment, it was the funniest thing I’d seen in the whole wide world. The oblivious girl, the disappointed boy, the way he continued to trot with his arm held out for a few seconds after. It was all magic.
So it’s Sunday. SUNDAY. I’ve been counting down the days with my 12 pack of coke cans. This should mean that I have a cool 5 left yet alas, as I poked my head into the fridge yesterday; I was destroyed to find that they’d all gone. Now, I need to point out that when I say ‘destroyed’, I do mean that put-in-a-bin, carted-off-by-bin-men, squished-mashed-and-crushed-into-a-pulp kind of destroyed. I would have instantly hit the floor, called out a star-wars worthy ‘noooooo’ and grappled the legs of my nearest counsellor if the floor hadn’t been encrusted with bits of egg and tomato sauce. Yum.
However, I have received news from afar that Donna of the highest order of Dick, has sent me a package of Galaxy, KitKat Chunkies and posh lollies from the Grosvenor Garden Centre- what an absolute babe! No sugar crave can be better quelled than by the delicious British nibbles. How I laugh when the kids state that ‘Hersheys is the best, yo’ (they really don’t speak like that). I have a catastrophic fit every time and think ‘ah, you deprived children! If only you knew!’
Speaking of what do they know, the answer is- not a lot. Now, I realise that this may seem harsh but as a lady who gained a colossal 69 in one of her essays in first year (that’s right, brain kapow) I most certainly have done my research, anyalsed my points and mapped them out accordingly for you to make up your own mind also.
At siesta, the need to entertain set in, so Shamia and I devised a general knowledge quiz to test their agile young minds. With the prize of sweets, the stakes were high and they were all willing to prove themselves. After 7 questions, we collected in their papers and for the next 7 minutes, Shamia and I laughed. Oh how we laughed. I shall share just a few of the beautiful answers we received:
Q: What is the capital of Spain?
A: 2 girls said: Mexico, 2 girls said: China and one said: England
Q: What gets wetter the more you dry?
A: Your pee
(Actual answer for you curious folk: a towel)
Q: What 4 countries make up the United Kingdom?
Now, not one person got this completely right. Only 2 mentioned Wales, which made me die a little inside, but here were the vast array of other answers that we attained:
A: Brazil, Spain, France, Asia, Africa, Australia, USA
USA?!?!? YOU THINK YOUR OWN COUNTRY IS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM?! Bobl bach!!!
So, after this, you think I would have stopped. You think I would have called it quits and sent my shaking head elsewhere to pry on other things. Yet alas, my desire to distil some knowledge, some trickling of sense out of them provoked me to start yet another quiz at snack time as to decide who should get the bigger slices of cornbread. This is was I discovered:
Chelsea: When was the First World War?
Girl: 1987?
Chelsea: Badly not
Girl: 1992?
Chelsea: Bloody hell
Chelsea: Name a place that America has sent its troops in the past 5 years?
Girl: Oooh, oooh, oooh! I know!
Chelsea: Yes?
Girl: PARIS!
Chelsea: Who is the richest American woman?
Girl: The Queen of England!
The worst was when a girl could not tell me the date that the plane crashed into the twin towers. I was devastated. I was like- this is your country! This is your history! Why don’t you know your history?!
Apparently I haven’t got it the worst though. Anthony asked his kids when 9/11 was and they spent minutes going through all the months before they realised he’d given them the answer already.
Though perhaps I have ridiculed them enough, I shall end on a couple of things less topical that have made me chuckle.
Campers say the funniest things
Chelsea: So why did you like this boy?
Girl: He was super cute
Chelsea: Right… anything else?
Girl: Yeah, he had a nice smile
Chelsea: Yes, but anything else?
(Cottoning on) Girl: Oh… his rocking abs?
Counsellors say the funniest things:
Udi: Today is good. I’m relaxing, I’ve been in the shower and I’m watching my favourite programme, air crash investigation.
Bites to date
Piss off. This is a sensitive subject that I no longer wish to discuss.
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