Everything started off as usual by the
flagpole but this time when we assembled, the crowd of kids and counsellors was decked out in red, white and blue. Quite aware that today was official ‘America has finally freed itself from the evil British Day’, I whacked out the old union jack socks, hitched them up over my floral trainers and gallivanted up to the flagpole. Well, the response I got was hysterical. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on Erik’s face as he said ‘I don’t think we can be friends anymore’. Max actually looked mortally offended whereas Ally merely quipped ‘they’re just a pair of socks guys’.
I soon got my comeuppance though, when a small group of children teemed around my cabin shrieking ‘THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!’ as Chris the life guard, dressed as a ‘blanket cowboy man’ (it was his superhero disguise, you’ll understand soon) flailed about on a broom, waving an American flag back and forth amongst the rabble. I was also made to apologise to the American flag which Anthony artfully captured on film. After watching, I compared the snippet to the Covergirl advert that America’s Next Top Model have to do in terms of it’s professionability and outstanding honesty.
The fun and games continued and as the evening set in we were sent back to our cabins to prepare for ‘Superhero Hour’. My cabin had to get together and make up new hero alter egos for Emma and I and after their last attempt to express me in creative form (a poem about how badly I smell), I was slightly dubious. However, they uncreatively came up with ‘Age Girl’ for Emma (her powers include looking 18 and 25. Wow) and ‘British Girl’ for me. In fact, I could have quite easily got away with it unscathed but no, I had to push it didn’t I.
As it got to the unveiling of our superheroes, I strode up, punched my fists into an authoritative pose and belted out an ‘interesting’ version of ‘God Save The Queen’ using all archetypical commodities such as crumpets, tea and Hogwarts. I then went on to how I could successfully turn my enemies into fish and chips in a single flick of my foot (one of my campers demonstrated this wonderfully) and the whole thing concluded with me announcing ‘ah, but my greatest strength is that I am accepting of all nations, even on days when they celebrate my defeat’, before ripping open my top to reveal a vest top decorated in a star spangled banner declaring ‘AMERICA IS GREAT!’
Bloody hell, I haven’t even got to the shameful part yet and I’m already cringing at my incredible lack of self-preservation. However, it wasn’t until we’d rolled the girls back to the cabins, got on their pjs and unsuccessfully went in search of fireworks that it all kicked off.
I climbed back into my cabin to find three girls in hysterics on their beds. I see them, am immediately terrified but then remember that I’ve been told about this, it’s July 4th and of course they’re missing their families. I sit down next to one of them and tell her ‘it’s going to be alright, you’ve only got 4 more days before you get to see your family again’. However, after 5 minutes of dedicated cooing and sympathy, I unravel that these girls are not in the slightest bit homesick. These girls are crying because they didn’t get to see any fireworks. I look down at them and think ‘you are 11 and 12 years old for gods sake, get over it’ but instead say ‘guys, there’s nothing you can do about it now so I think we should just move on’. But no. They are still yowling. I don’t know what to do. I cast around the room, see my craft bag, tell the girls to get ready for a firework show and switch off the lights.
In the cramped toilet I’m thinking ‘what the hell am I going to do now’, but within seconds I’m taping and tying blue and green ribbon all over me. I stumble out, grab the torch and spend a minute thrashing about like a retarded penguin whilst singing Hall of the Mountain Troll King. I hesitate as I anticipate their response (I could have just seriously lost my street cred. It’s probably one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done) but then they’re whooping and cheering and calling encore and I think ‘yes, I’ve done it! I’ve smited these snivelling banshees!’. For the encore, I do a delightful rendition of Stauss's The Blue Daube before snapping on the lights and herding them into bed but oh no, they don’t want to go to bed any more.
Pumped up from my follying frolics they’re now chasing each other around the room. Christ. I try and calm them down but it’s past the point where they’ll listen to me now. One girl reveals a surgical glove filled with water and starts dropping it on the floor to which I feint shock. They’re all paying attention now so I think, this is my chance, get them to listen whilst you can. The girl drops it again and I gasp again and they all start to giggle. I look up at them with pleading eyes and simper ‘I think it’s time to go to bed now’ and for a second I think its worked but then another girl swoops down, picks up the swollen glove and starts throwing it about the cabin. She then starts shouting about how she’s going to burst it and with that, the first girl starts starts wailing. Huge, glistening tears are rolling down her cheeks and I’m sat there thinking ‘is she kidding?’ and all I know is that I need to shut this kid up. I demand the glove back and once in the sobbing girl’s arms, she shuts up and starts giggling. Good god! She’s a bloody schitzo! I know now it’s time to call this night to a close so I get up, tell them to get to bed and as I turn my back I hear feet hit the floor and feel a cold rush of water spread over my t-shirt. She’s hit me. That little minion has thrown the glove at me and it’s rapidly dripping down my back. I’m in so much shock that all I can do is start to giggle as the shocked faces of the girls turn into howling grins riddled with menacing exchanges. Oh god, what have I started now.
In seconds, a girl has ran to the bathroom and the next thing I know she’s dousing the first girl in a cup of water- this is getting out of hand. I’m shouting now and as I go to grab the cup of water, hysterical fit girl dashes in front of me and BAM. She’s slipped over and she’s on the floor. Oh my god, oh my god, she’s dead, she’s dead. Hang on. She’s moving. She’s laughing. Everyone’s laughing bar me in fact. They’re clinging to each other as the girl scrabbles about on the floor, writhing in the mess. I’m just stood there absolutely horrified at everything that’s happening. I demand that everyone stops what they’re doing and for the injured, sardonic child to go outside and wait for me. I check she’s okay, I scold her but in retrospect I am far too light on her. I go back in, mop up the mess, command the girls into their beds and switch off the lights. After another lung popping baying fit, they’re still messing about when Emma returns off her break and I look at her, exasperated. I always thought I could deal with kids, especially those closer to my age but tonight, I have officially had enough.
As I slope off, I feel exhausted and delve into the staff fridge for 26 milkyways (mars bars to you and me) and collapse in an armchair. Sadly (or perhaps gladly), my night is merely a hiccup in the works compared to other counsellors so I just sit there, taking in the stories of demonic children and think ‘oh sweet Friday, hurry up and quell these childish ordeals’. We’re apparently supposed to go through this stage with the kids but I’m very much over this ‘storming’ and ready for the ‘norming’. I’m going to sleep fingers, toes, hair, eyes and ribs crossed tonight that I’ll wake up and everything will be hunky-dory.
So, perhaps a bit of a depressing entry tonight so I shall end on a few of the brilliant things that have kept me going today:
Kids say the funniest things
Ricky: Who can tell me the oldest city in America?
Boy: CHINA!
Girl: How do you spell USA?
Chris: So guys, who did America gain independence from?
Kids: CHELSEAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Whilst a group of kids are talking about burgers
Girl: I talk to trees
Counsellors say the funniest things
When talking about Emma, my co-counsellor, and I
Udi: You guys go together like water and milk.
Karen: So who knows what 4th July is?
Me: It’s the day you celebrate being independent from Britain.
Whilst Sarah and I are showering, Gavin comes in and begins to talk
Gavin: Arh, I’ve just put some hydrocortisone on to help my itchy feet.
Sarah: What, hold on. You’ve got HIV?
Total bug bites to date
26. I look like I’ve got chicken pox.
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