Thursday 8th July 2010

Top 10 Things I Have Learnt From My First Session at Camp


1. Just because both of your nations speak English, it doesn’t mean they understand you

The amount of times I’ve had to repeat myself or change my sentence due to a lack of understanding is ridiculous. Today in Arts and Crafts, I said ‘how long would you like your piece of wool?’ to which everyone cackled. Sarah chirped ‘do you mean yarn?’ to which I retorted ‘no, it’s wool’. She giggled to herself before stating ‘no, it’s called yarn, sweetie’ which irked me rotten. I understand that you gained your independence from us in 17whatever but, IT IS CALLED ENGLISH FOR A REASON!

2. You will turn into a child

To settle the girls down after an abundance of candy (I said candy. Just spewed in my mouth a little bit) I proposed a game of ‘levitation’. I snapped all the lights off, got a girl to lie on the floor and the others to sit around her and repeat the traditional, if not a little satanic, chant of-
‘She looks ill,
She is ill,
She looks dead,
She is dead’
- before hoisting the sombre child lying on the floor as high up as possible.

It didn’t bloody work but I was thoroughly entertained by their titter-smattered attempts.

3. Farting is funny

Whilst doing the aforementioned activity of ‘levitating’, I’m sure you can understand that it is somewhat difficult for a group of 11 year olds to keep schtum in the seriousness of the occasion. After much giggling and scolding of said giggling, the girls finally settled down and suddenly, a swift silence swept the cabin and nothing in the room stirred. The girls held their breath as they sucked in the anticipation and formed the words of the sacred incantation; one leant in to start it off and-
‘Pffftttttt’
It was the lamest, most squeaky fart I have ever heard in my entire life but in that moment, it was also the funniest, most farcical thing that’s ever happened. You may call me childish but the group of rolling teens will vouch that that stray fart was top quality comedy genius. The girl who did it was applauded and praised for her noxious efforts.

4. When your parents used to not pay attention to you, it wasn’t because they didn’t love you, it was just because they were bored of you

I fear this point is fairly self-explanatory. It’s not that I don’t like the kids I work with, it’s just sometimes you really don’t care that they can blow bubbles underwater or whether they once saw a man walk 4 dogs at the same time. Sorry.

5. Hygiene is an unnecessary precaution

Smelly, minging, gamy, ripe, musty, whiffy, stinky, fruity, funky, grim- whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is that we all smell so no one really notices. Well, not until you make a short trip to Walmart and you clear out the cheese aisle.

6. When told that working at summer camp was hard, they weren’t lying

Today I worked from 7am-11pm and had one 45 minute break. Now, I know what you’re thinking- ‘that’s illegal, right?’- but not in the camp world, my caring friends. You see, technically your meal times and siesta sessions are ‘breaks’ though in reality, that’s actually the part where you’re scrappling with children who want meatloaf in their hair or to use celery sticks as water guns. There’s also the fact that a child woke me at 3.30am the first night (I did a terrific job at not screaming. There she was, hovering over my bed with her pasty face and I thought ‘my god, the ghost of Summer Camp Past is here to show me my wrongs) and spent half an hour sitting by her bed so she felt comforted in the dark. Overall, it’s definitely a tough job, but sometimes it’s nice to work hard for something- makes you have that ‘oooh, I did good’ feeling somewhere deep (very deep) down inside.

7. You can sleep whilst swimming

During the latter of this week I have been so exhausted that I found myself entwined around the 5ft ladder this Tuesday, taking a well-deserved snooze. Other key places for taking a nap include: the bridge by the creek, the top of the monkey bars and the toilet.

8. Kids will match you up with your fellow co-counsellors

I’ve found that the best way to deal with the kids gossip about you and any other counsellor is to just boldly state ‘Yes. I am absolutely, 100% in love with them’ followed by a longing sigh and air stroke in said counsellor’s direction. They laugh, they giggle, they even sometimes run up to the guy to update them on the hot goss but after that, they usually don’t bother you again. The only problem is that Max is probably starting to think that I do actually fancy him as my emotional hankering is getting a little bit too good. The other day he just groaned after a poignant performance and said ‘Chelsea, please stop’. I haven’t desisted yet but I fear a court order may put me in my place.

9. Gossip is a dietary staple

I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I don’t tend to spread rumours or gossip unless the information at hand is despairingly juicy, however here, I thrive on it, and it’s not just me. Whether it’s counsellor relationship speculation or how one kid had a slight accident of the bowel variety (I’m not even joking), any information that defers from the regularity of life is the sweet nectar of a counsellor’s existence.

Another sweet nectar is coca cola (the red one). Anthony looked at me today and said ‘you look like you’ve had a tough day’, passed me coke and I literally shook with excitement.

10. You will long, lust, pine and covet for the weekend

I have been counting down my trip to NY tomorrow for the past 10 days. It is well overdue and I can’t bloody wait so, roll on tomorrow amigos! I vow to get off with statue of Liberty and gyrate with the naked cowboy at least 12 times, you have my absolute, cripplingly satisfying, stiflingly accurate, top advice giving, counsellor word on it.